To Love Again, To Lose Again
by WrenWinterSong
Summary: Emmeline Vance never thought she could love again. Then Sirius Black came into her life.


**Author's Note:** This fic is written for Carmen (CUtopia) for the October Monthly One Shot Exchange. I used the pairing Sirius/Emmeline, genre romance, and the 'we don't really like each other, but we accidentally made out at a party while being drunk and now it's awkward' prompt. I also took inspiration from several songs, including 'Wonderwall' by Oasis, 'Iris' by The Goo Goo Dolls, 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver, 'Ashes of Eden' by Breaking Benjamin, and 'Konstantine' by Something Corporate.

I read some of Carmen's own Sirius/Emmeline fics for inspiration on characterising Emmeline but also gave her my own twist. Emmeline being a Gryffindor and her general badass personality come solely from Carmen. Hope you enjoy!

~oOo~

 _wonderwall_

 _(n.)_

 _the object of complete and total infatuation_

~oOo~

Emmeline should have known James Potter and his cronies would show up to an Order meeting, but she never would have expected them so soon. They graduated Hogwarts—what? Two days ago? What was Dumbledore thinking, letting these kids join?

James strode into the Bones' dining room first with Lily Evans on his arm. Emmeline shook her head. She'd had such high hopes for Lily when she met her on Lily's first day at Hogwarts. Emmeline had been in charge of showing the first years to the common room, and Lily had led the pack of them, asking Emmeline question after question about Hogwarts' history and the subjects taught there. It came as no surprise when Emmeline found out she was Muggle-born. They were always so much more curious than the others.

Emmeline remembered her first encounter with James, too. It had involved a jellybean being slingshotted at her forehead, the guilty slingshot being found in the fireplace next to an innocently whistling James. Such a pureblood.

It took longer for Emmeline to take notice of Peter, Remus, and Sirius. Honestly, she never really took notice of Peter at all. He scurried along behind James and Sirius when he was eleven the same way he scurried in after James and Lily now. He hadn't changed much in the last six years. A little taller, a little more hair around his chin. Remus looked as haggard and scarred as ever. He _really_ hadn't changed in all those years.

Then Sirius Black strolled into the dining room with the same proud grin Emmeline had seen that first day. She hadn't known his name yet, but his smile stuck with her. Even Lily's wide-eyed expression was nothing in comparison. Emmeline had never seen someone so happy to be Sorted into Gryffindor.

"Who're the newbies?" Moody asked in his grumbling voice, eyeing the five newcomers.

"The Marauders," Alice answered with faux-admiration. Frank chuckled beside her.

Emmeline's lip curled in distaste. "You've got to be kidding me."

Alice grinned up at me. "Not at all."

"You only knew them for a year," Frank said, not taking his eyes off of the boys. "We had them for three. They've got quite the reputation."

"Well, I've never heard of them," Moody said. His magical eye scanned over the group, though he must not have found anything of interest because he didn't say more.

The corner of Aurors faded back into silence while the opposite end of the room grew louder and louder with the presence of the young group, the Marauders. Who the hell calls themselves something so pretentious? They were like a black hole of careless optimism. James reached out to all those around them, pulling them into some hilarious story. Remus and Lily's presence gave the group more credibility than deserved while Sirius' barking laughter and Peter's squeaky giggles gave those around them permission to laugh. Even sweet and sensible Marlene McKinnon joined them, laughing heartily. Sirius gave her a wink that caused her face to flush, and Emmeline felt her stomach roll.

She thanked Merlin when Albus Dumbledore came in and quieted the room in an instant. He stood at the head of the long dining room table and cleared his throat before speaking. "Good evening, everyone. Thank you for being here tonight on such short notice. I have pressing news for you all, but first, a few introductions are in order." He gestured toward James and his friends, listing off their names even though the five of them had already done a good job of introducing themselves on their own.

James stood from his chair, gaining the same respectful attention as Albus. Emmeline bristled as he talked. "We are so happy to finally be here with you all. We promise to give our all to this cause, and I, for one, believe we will win this war. Voldemort doesn't stand a chance."

There were a few gasps at the easy way he said the name, but they were followed be a loud applause. James gave a winning smile, opening his mouth to say more before both Lily and Sirius pulled him back into his seat.

"Thank you for that hopeful speech, Mr Potter," Albus said, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "Now, I must prepare you all for the news I bring you." The room fell into tense silence at his words, and Emmeline felt her chest grow tight. Albus flicked his wand and a cabinet next to Frank swung open to let a line of glasses float out towards everyone in the room. Three separate champagne bottles followed, filling everyone's glass to the top.

Emmeline, like everyone else in the room, held her glass cautiously. What was Albus up to?

The silver-haired wizard grinned at their confused faces through his crescent glasses. "Minister Minchum has officially begun investigating all Ministry employees for any association with Voldemort or his Death Eaters. Perhaps a harsh reaction but also a necessary one. Today is a victory."

He held up his glass, those in the room responding with all manner of cheers. Emmeline merely smiled as she lifted her glass above her head before taking a chaste sip. She, along with the other Aurors and anyone else who worked in the Ministry, had already heard through a letter sent to all employees that day. Alice and Frank clinked their glasses together and exchanged wide grins that they probably gave each other when they first got their letters while Moody grumbled, "About time, too," before guzzling down his champagne. Emmeline took a chaste sip of her own, feeling a sting as the bubbling liquid drifted over a cut in her lip. She sucked it into her mouth, glad to find the scab hadn't reopened yet.

Albus silenced the room with a raise of his hand. "There is still much to be done, and the Death Eaters will not take this news well. I fear there are still dark times ahead. But tonight, we deserve to bask in the light." With a nod of his head, several house-elves entered the room, carrying platters of food and beverages. The large dining room table disappeared, though the chairs remained and didn't unseat anyone besides Sirius Black, who had had his legs propped up on the tabletop. He lurched forward, his momentum taking away his balance and causing him to fall sideways to the floor. Emmeline couldn't help but laugh along with the rest of the room, their chuckles soon drowned out by a music record someone had put on.

Alice and Frank were the first ones on the floor, twirling each other around those still sitting in their chairs until others joined them. The chairs were soon left behind in corners of the room as everyone congested around the centre, laughing and dancing and drinking. After so many years of feeling like they were helpless to stop Voldemort, the Order members were more than happy to fully celebrate this small victory.

Still, Emmeline felt a heaviness in her chest. Albus stood near a window, glancing out into the dusk every few minutes with a worried expression. She understood what he was doing. He wanted them to celebrate and be happy while they still could. Moody kept both eyes on him as well. "Best to see what's on the old man's mind," he said before hobbling across the room on the leg he had injured last week.

"Emmeline Vance, you've let your glass go empty."

She jumped as a champagne bottle appeared to refill her glass, held in a hand clad in a fingerless leather glove. She stared at Sirius Black with an incredulous look. "You recognise me?"

"You haven't changed that much," he said with a grin, topping off his own glass. "Why? Don't you recognise me?"

"Unfortunately."

"Unfortunately because you won't be able to brush me off this time for being a kid."

"You're still a kid." Emmeline took a long sip of champagne, asking Merlin and Morgana to give her strength. How had she forgotten that Valentine's Day in her seventh year when eleven-year-old Sirius had come up to her desk in the library and asked with a straight face, 'Have you been using the Stupefy Charm or are you just a natural stunner?'

"Oi, I'm all grown up now, and my pick-up lines are much better," Sirius said, his grey eyes already bright from the champagne. "I particular like the 'Slytherin' ones."

"Yes, I can see you've matured loads."

"I can prove it." He stepped in front of her, fumbling as he managed to hold both the bottle and his half-full glass in one hand to hold the other out to her. "Dance with me."

"How does dancing prove you've matured?"

"You can experience all my grown-up moves up close," Sirius said with a wink.

Emmeline felt her cheeks warm, but she decided to blame it on the champagne rather than the man—boy—standing too close to her. She glared up at him, angered even more that she had to look up. Emmeline was not a short woman, but Sirius had grown a lot in the past six years. He had at least two inches on her.

It only reminded her of the last man she had met who was that height.

She channelled all that anger into her next words. "You've been here all of a minute. Excuse me if I prefer not to pretend that this one small achievement is anything more than a catalyst for worse times to come."

Sirius' face slackened into a frown before Emmeline pushed past him and retreated to the other side of the room. She nearly went out the door, but Albus exited through as she headed that way. Pausing, she glanced around for Moody, redirecting her march towards him. "What did Albus have to say, then?" she asked as she joined him at the window.

"Nothing the two of us don't know," Moody grunted, staring out into the small crowd of celebrating Order members. "The Death Eaters will retaliate, and they'll be coming straight for us."

~oOo~

 _iris_

 _(n.)_

 _the person you want to show the damaged part of yourself to_

~oOo~

"Being a bit selfish with that bottle, aren't you?"

Emmeline looked up from where she sat in the corner of the room. Sirius stared down at her with a raised eyebrow.

"There's plenty to go around," she muttered, hoping if she spoke fast enough, any slur to her words would be unnoticeable.

Sirius nodded, and she thought for a moment he might actually go away, but then he leant against the wall and slide down beside her on the floor. "You really don't like parties, do you?"

She topped off her glass, draining the last few drops from the bottle. "I don't like false hope."

"What's false about it?"

Emmeline scoffed, sloshing a portion of her champagne on the floor. "What's false about this? Everything. People are thinking that the war is coming to an end when it hasn't even started yet."

"Nobody thinks that." Sirius twirled his wand between his fingers, and Emmeline noticed the lack of a glass or bottle in his hand. She blinked at him. "Everyone here knows that the Death Eaters are still out there and won't be happy that they've lost their place in the Ministry because of the Order. The rest of us, though, are trying to grab as much happiness as we can before that. It's better than sulking in a corner." He smirked at her, eyeing the empty champagne bottle laying beside her hip.

"You're right," Emmeline said, Sirius' face lighting up before she stood and brushed off her clothes. "I can sulk a home."

Despite the vertigo from sitting so long while chugging champagne, Emmeline managed to march out of the room without falling over or into anyone. Once in the hall, though, she leant against the wall, using it to help her walk across the carpeted ground.

She heard muffled footsteps following, but she ignored them until Sirius strode past her and leant against the wall to stop her trek. She glared at him, pushing herself off the wall to walk around him, but she immediately lost her balance and fell against it again. "Can I help you?" she asked.

He fixed her with a concerned stare that was far from his usual crinkled-eye smile. "Who did you lose?"

"What?" Emmeline's heart thudded in her ears, and her head felt even fainter than before.

Sirius kept his gaze on her steady. "The only reason you wouldn't want to have a bit of fun before the war gets bad is because, to you, the war's already bad and not worth the celebration. I'm assuming it's because you've lost someone."

Emmeline tried to swallow back the surprise she felt at his intuition but found that she couldn't. Her throat was too tight. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"No, of course not." Sirius shrugged and leant his back against the wall so he wasn't facing her. He looked off in the opposite direction while straightening out his leather jacket in a blatant display of faux nonchalance. "I just joined the Order because my little brother joined the Death Eaters, but no, I don't know anything about losing someone at all."

He glanced back at Emmeline as if checking for a reaction, but she forced her face to remain straight. Sirius had no idea how close he was treading to her best-kept secret.

"I haven't lost anyone," she said, recognising her own tell as her words came up to her own ears. ' _You over pronounciate when you lie.'_ That's what _he_ had told her years ago.

Luckily, Sirius' intuition seemed to have reached its limit because he nodded. "My mistake, then. You're just cynical and humourless."

"I am not." She cursed herself for rising at his words as soon as she spoke.

Sirius gave her a challenging grin. "Prove it."

"Prove it?"

"Yeah, go on." His voice grew excited and childlike as he faced her again. "Tell me a joke."

Emmeline shook her head, unable to even register the strange request. "I don't… I don't know any jokes off the tip of my tongue… The only joke I can think of is this game you're playing thinking it'll get you laid."

Sirius' face split into a wide smile as he chuckled. "See, I knew you had it in you."

"It was meant as an insult."

"I know." He shrugged and took a step towards her. She held her ground, not wanting to give Sirius the satisfaction of running her off. His fingers reached up and brushed through her dark brown hair, the strands running through the leather of his gloves in an unfamiliar but not completely unpleasant way. Her heart beat in a rhythm she hadn't heard in quite a long time.

"What are you doing?"

He leant closer so she could feel the warmth of his breath against her face when he spoke. "Playing the game."

Her lips strained to tug into a smile, and Emmeline was quickly losing the ability to keep her frown. "Why me?" she asked. "There's plenty of young birds you could be chasing after right now. Aren't I a bit old for you?"

"Not at all. You're the one to wait for."

"And why's that?"

The upturned curve of his lips finally straightened. He stared at her with an intensity Emmeline didn't know existed in him. "You don't smile," he said, his hand drifting from her hair to sweep against her cheek. "Such a waste. You have a beautiful smile."

Whatever playfulness had infested Emmeline's actions were chased away. "I don't have much reason to smile."

"You were smiling just a second ago," Sirius said, a hint of smugness in his voice.

Emmeline paused, trying to remember when she lost the battle. "I was?"

"You were."

Sirius' leant ever closer but stopped as the tip of his nose brushed against hers. She stared down at his mouth, trying to find reason again but instead only thinking about how thin his lips were. Black lips. Thin and forever slightly parted. A little dry and chapped, a roughness that made you know you were being kissed. Nothing chaste or gentle.

Then she realised she wasn't just imagining anymore. She had stepped forward to close the distance, her mouth searching for a fleeting moment of happiness that had been missing from her life for years. Her back pressed against the wall, her hands deep in his long hair. One of his hands was trapped between her head and the wall while the other explored her body. The cut on her lip split open, the sharp metallic taste of blood coating the sweet warmth of the champagne.

Emmeline felt herself waking back up in her mind as if she had been asleep. She was suddenly too away of Sirius' hands and his mouth, and not in a pleasing way. She opened her eyes and stopped her own movements, Sirius stilling against her. "What—"

"I'm not doing this," she said, detangling her fingers from his hair and pushing him back. At least her brain now felt a lot less fuzzy. "I'm not letting you win this game." She stared up at his confused face, feeling a small smirk lifting up her lips. His expression lightened from concern to intrigue.

She patted his shoulders and continued her walk down the hall towards the fireplace. She heard Sirius behind her say, "Wait, hold on."

She glanced over her shoulder and waved at his dumbfounded expression. "Goodnight, Black."

~oOo~

 _skinny love_

 _(n.)_

 _when two people love each other—and they both know it—but they aren't in a serious relationship_

~oOo~

"Are you serious, right now?" Emmeline shouted over the commotion of battle as she and Sirius ducked behind a dumpster in the London alley. A few feet away at the mouth of the alley was one Death Eater firing deadly curses their way while his companion laid at his feet, rolling on the ground in a fit of laughter.

Sirius grinned at her, the green light of a curse lighting up his teeth. "I was born Sirius."

She shot him a glare as the spell casting died down. She peeked around the edge of the dumpster to see the once laughing Death Eater picking himself off the ground. "Next time," she muttered to Sirius harshly, "try using something that doesn't have such a simple counter-curse."

"I'm teaching a valuable lesson about fun, sweetheart," he said with a crooked grin before jumping to his feet and stepping out from their cover.

"Sirius!" Emmeline gasped before turning around and reaching around the edge of the dumpster to block the curses headed straight at the idiot. His actions made no sense until she spotted a trio of figures on the roof of one of the buildings surrounding them. One of their sides had reinforcements, and she dearly hoped it was theirs.

A series of lights streaked down the roof, taking the pair of Death Eaters by surprise. They retaliated by shooting up their own spells while also blocking Sirius and Emmeline's curses, but the Order members had too much of an advantage. Emmeline hoped the Death Eaters would be too egotistical to give up—she'd love to bag them without any help from the other Aurors—but in one well-practiced motion, they both sent large fiery spells in two different directions and disappeared before the curses hit their mark.

Emmeline sighed in disappointed before she heard Sirius growl in pain. His shield blocked most of the wide curse, but the edge caught his non-wand arm, his skin steaming with heat.

"You idiot," Emmeline said as she pushed herself up from the ground and walked over to inspect his arm. She grabbed his wrist and tugged his arm close to her.

He gasped in pain before giving a loud and pointed, "Ow."

"Don't be a baby." His skin was red and blistered, a few drops of blood covering his arm like freckles. "You'll be fine."

A trio of pops sounded behind Emmeline followed by running steps as James sprinted to her side. "Padfoot! You alright?"

"I'm in a perfect state of health of you ask her," Sirius grumbled as he nodded his head towards Emmeline.

Lily and Marlene stepped up to Emmeline's other side. "It's not as bad as it could have been," Lily said. "That was the same curse that blinded Dorcas last month."

"We should still get him to St Mungo's," Marlene said.

Emmeline scoffed. "He doesn't need to go to St Mungo's for that." All four of the younger Order members started at her in confusion. Merlin, she hated being the only reasonable adult. "Do any of you have _any_ Healing training?"

"I know a few spells," Marlene said.

"And I'm better at making medicinal potions than using them," Lily added.

Though she knew it was a long-shot, Emmeline turned to Sirius and James for answers. James ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I can read labels pretty well."

"And you?" Emmeline asked, turning her eyes on Sirius.

He shrugged. "I'm just the pretty face," he said with all the confidence in the world.

"Fantastic." Emmeline pinched the bridge of her nose, not wanting to do what she knew she had to. "Alright, I'll take care of this. Someone report to Dumbledore that we're all okay."

"We still don't know what those Death Eaters were doing here," James said, his dark eyes bright and not yet ready to call it a day.

"And when those two bastards come back with reinforcements? You really think the three of you can stand up against them?"

"We aren't completely helpless." James' stance hardened, and Emmeline wondered if she'd have to Stun him to get him to leave.

Then Lily stepped forward and put a hand on his arm. "Another day, James. We'll come back another day."

James looked liked he wanted to argue but backed off at Lily's gaze. Emmeline thanked Merlin Lily had that man wrapped around her finger. It was one less headache that Emmeline had to deal with.

"How soon do you think they'll come back?" Marlene asked, her timid voice bringing the entire group back to reason.

"Soon enough," Emmeline said. "We should all go while we can."

She hooked her arm through Sirius' uninjured one, preparing to Apparate, when James said, "Where are you taking him?"

"To my house. I have exactly what we need to fix him up there."

"Don't worry, Prongsy. I'll drop by your place afterwards. Say, in an hour or so," Sirius said with a wink.

Emmeline glared at him. "Or you can pick him up from St Mungo's in five minutes if he doesn't behave himself."

"Oi, I behave," Sirius said, "unless you ask me not to."

"Don't count on it."

"Whatever you say, sweetheart."

James pointedly ignored their conversation, busy telling Marlene to go home to her family and that he and Lily would report back to Dumbledore. Lily, however, looked back and forth between Sirius and Emmeline with an exasperated expression. "Oh, Em, you slept with him, didn't you?"

Emmeline's stomach tightened, and she tugged her arm away from Sirius' like a child caught with their hand in the candy bowl. "I did not," she said, crossing her arms and giving Lily a hard stare that not many would argue with.

Unfortunately, not much intimidated Lily Evans. "I've been around Sirius long enough to learn a thing or two, and he only calls a girl 'sweetheart' if he's gotten her in bed."

"Wishful thinking on his part, then," Emmeline said, shooting both Sirius and James glares, the latter of which still pretending not to be involved with the conversation.

Marlene Apparated away, the tension finally getting to her. "We should all follow Marlene's lead," Emmeline said, ignoring the disbelieving look Lily was still giving her. "So goodbye."

Before any of them could say more, Emmeline grabbed Sirius' arm again and Apparated them to her flat. She hoped Sirius had enough wits about him not to get splinched on the way. As soon as they landed safely in her living room, Emmeline bustled over to her potions cabinet and rummaged through the phials until she found the container of pink ointment that would mend the magically burned skin.

"Should I take offence to the fact that you don't want anyone to know about us?" Sirius asked as he spread himself out on her sofa.

Emmeline screwed off the top of the container with too much force, the lid spinning out of her hand and rolling across the ground. "There's no 'us' to know about."

"If you say so," he said with a shrug.

She ignored his smug grin as she jerked his arm closer to her and spread the thick pink ointment across his skin. At least he had the sense to keep quiet as she worked, only grimacing every few minutes. Emmeline kept her head down, not wanting to notice how much his scrunched up expression reminded her of other times he'd make similar faces.

Merlin, what was she doing? She still couldn't believe that the little snog they had shared in summer had turned into quite frequent nights together all through fall and winter. The first time it had happened—after he'd insisted on walking her home after a meeting and, despite her declining the offer, had walked beside her the whole way home—she had analysed and over analysed why she'd invited him in. Was she really that lonely and desperate? After her previous relationship had gone so horribly, maybe she'd needed attention from someone the complete opposite of _him?_

"You're done," she said, wrapping his ointment-slick skin with a plaster. She stood and put away the container in her potions cabinet, still lost in thought of how she had ended up shagging Sirius Black.

The sofa creaked as he stood, and he tapped his wand against his leg. "Well, thanks. I guess I'll see you later, then."

He took a few steps towards the door before Emmeline realised he wasn't joking. "Wait, you're leaving?"

"Yep." Sirius didn't even look over his shoulder as he turned the knob on her front door.

"Why not just stay? You'll be knocking at my door in a few hours anyways."

"Maybe, maybe not. Depends if I have a reason to be here."

"You're an expert on excuses," Emmeline said, walking towards Sirius and glad to see he had paused at the door.

"Well, your an expert on making a bloke feel like a cockroach so…" He drifted off as he leant back against the door, his arms crossed and his mouth pouted like a child.

Emmeline put a hand to her forehead. "Are you really that bothered that I told Lily we weren't sleeping together?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe."

"It's not like it was any of her business—"

"You didn't have to look so disgusted by the suggestion." Sirius had never looked so petulant, but it tugged at the already building guilt in Emmeline's chest.

She took a step closer, wanting to reach out but not feeling right about it. "Why are you being so… sensitive about this?"

"I'm not being sensitive."

"Yes, you are!"

"I didn't know thinking we had a real relationship going makes me sensitive."

"Oh, and since when do you care so much about real relationships. You're the king of flings and one-night stands."

"Well, if you hadn't noticed, we're in the middle of a war." Sirius pushed away from the door, bending his face down close to Emmeline's. "I told you that you were the one worth waiting for, but it's sort of now or never."

"Now or never what? You want to pull a James and Lily and get married in this mess? If they manage to stay together after the war is over, it'll be a bloody miracle."

"The only miracle here is that the one girl I manage to fall in love with is the only one who doesn't want a relationship." Sirius flung the door open and stormed out.

Emmeline was too stunned for a moment to retaliate, but then her temper got her feet moving and following him out the door. "That's not a miracle, you git!" she shouted at his back as he marched down the street. "It's called irony!"

"It's called you're going to die alone and unloved!"

~oOo~

 _ashes of eden_

 _(n.)_

 _a desperation to keep something until the end_

~oOo~

There was no chance of recovery.

He tried.

 _Dear Emmeline,_

 _I shouldn't have said what I said. You know what I'm talking about. I was angry that you didn't see what I saw. You know what I mean by that too._

 _I meant the other thing, though. You know, the thing you're trying to pretend I didn't say. I did say it. I'd like to hear you say it too. I know you do. You said it once. I'm here if you ever want to say it again._

 _Sirius_

She didn't try.

Not until years had passed. Not until that night.

"Emmeline!"

The streak of green light passed so close that it blinded her. She didn't know she was falling backwards until she hit the ground. Her head smacked against a rock, a pain she never thought she would be thankful to feel.

She was alive.

Her world was a residual red shadow that clouded over everything, but she heard the collapse of a wall and footsteps running towards her face. "Emmeline!" Frank Longbottom's thin hands pressed against her forehead and tugged at her clothes, looking for spell damage.

She laughed, sitting up and pushing away his concern. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

He let out a loud relieved breath. "Thank Merlin. We thought we'd lost you."

"They're aim was little off." She blinked away the fogginess in her vision, finally seeing Frank properly. He was waving over Alice, who looked just as shockingly happy to see that the Killing Curse had missed as her husband.

Emmeline just felt shocked. The euphoria of the moment faded as quickly as her blindness, leaving her only with the shaky realisation that she could have died. That's it. Like Marlene and Benjy and Edgar. The war was no longer an easy burden to bear. The Order was falling apart and its members being picked off by the Death Eaters. They had almost gotten another one of them.

Her life was supposed to have flashed before her eyes, but the only things she remembered thinking about where the two people who were always on her mind: Sirius and _him_.

She supposed a near-death experience was a good enough excuse to arrive at Sirius' hiding place that Halloween evening.

The door creaked as Emmeline opened it, walking into what seemed to be an ancient and abandoned building. A cracked mirror hung on the far wall. She waved at it, signalling to Sirius she was there if he happened to be looking at the mirror in his living space upstairs. The second floor was nearly impossible to get to without the person on the inside opening the hatch in the ceiling, but Sirius hardly paid any attention to that mirror unless he was expecting someone. Emmeline stood in front of the mirror, averting her eyes so she wasn't staring directly into it. Instead, she scanned the large downstairs while kicking up dust with her shoes.

Emmeline jumped when she heard the attic door slam open sooner than she expected. The stairs tumbled down like a rope ladder except they unravelled in a circle to form a spiral staircase that ended at Emmeline's feet.

Sirius crouched down to peer at her at the awkward angle. "Emmeline?"

The years had not been kind. Emmeline knew she would never be a model in Witch Weekly and that the past decade had left permanent worry lines across her face, but she at least managed to take a shower every other night. Sirius' hair hung in unkempt tangles around his bearded face. His grey shirt seemed to be more holes than material and his dungarees had faded into a no-color. It wasn't like Sirius had been a perfectly polished gentleman the last time she saw him, but there had been a deliberance to his ruggedness. Now he looked like a man without a purpose.

"You look like shit."

Sirius grinned, his teeth as white as ever and lighting up his face into near acceptability. "Did you just come here to insult me, Vance?"

"Not at all, Black." Emmeline felt a familiar smile pulling up her lips, having forgotten how easy it could be with Sirius. She opened her mouth to reply, but then she remembered why she had gone there. Oh no, this wasn't going to be easy at all. "Can I come up?" she asked, stepping towards the staircase.

"Of course." Sirius stood and disappeared from the square hole.

The spiral staircase had no railings or structure, so Emmeline took them in slow, careful steps. The wooden slabs didn't creak or rattle under her weight, but she still didn't quite trust them. "Aren't you going to ask me a security question?" she asked as she watched her feet climb the stairs.

"Nope," Sirius called from above.

"That's a bit careless of you."

His face appeared in the hole again, staring down at her with a smirk. "Not at all. Firstly, only a real Order member or a really smart Death Eater would ask for a security question, and that whole lot isn't exactly the brightest, so I think we're safe. Secondly, you are much more clever than those numpties and would never leave a strand of hair somewhere a Death Eater could find it. And thirdly…" He held out a hand as she reached the top and helped her climb the last large step. "Not even a Death Eater would be cruel enough to put the women of my dream on my doorstep and have her insult me so."

She looked up at his hooded grey eyes, feeling a bit of responsibility for the sadness she found in them. But what was she supposed to say? Sorry? For what? There was too much she wanted to apologise for. Instead, she kept quiet, holding his hand tighter and not breaking eye contact, even as his wand waved in her periphery and the stairs clanged back into a mess behind her ankles.

"So," Sirius said, pocketing his wand and finally looking away to glance over her shoulder. "What is it you wanted to talk about."

This was it. This was the moment. Her thoughts had not yet caught up to her, and her mind struggled for something to say. She licked and chewed at her bottom lip as she thought. "I… It's a bit complicated… No, no, it's rather simple… But hard to explain… And you… you should know… What I came to saw is…" She looked up to see him glancing back behind her again, and her confidence waned. "Are you expecting someone?"

"Huh?" Sirius snapped his eyes back down to hers. She would have been angry that he wasn't listening to her, but that sadness behind his eyes was now swimming across the surface in worried glimmers.

"Sirius, is something wrong?" she asked, glancing behind her where the lookout mirror hung. All she could see was the dusty expanse of the abandoned first floor. "Are you waiting for someone?"

"It's nothing," he said, tugging at her hand to bring her attention back to him. He wore a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "What were saying?"

Emmeline sighed, sliding her fingers out of his and stepping around him. "You're too distracted for this."

"No, no." He grabbed her arm and spun her around. Both his hands tentatively trapped her there, his hands cupping her elbows. He ducked his head so their eyes were level, an action he learned made her whole body warm during their first night together. "I'm not distracted. See, I'm only looking at you. I'm listening. What is it?"

She bit her lip as she hesitated. It wasn't like she was any more prepared on what to say than before. His eyes stayed on her this time, though, and when he opened his mouth to urge her, she put her hand over his mouth. "No talking. I have a lot I have to say, and you are not allowed to interrupt me or say anything until I'm done. Alright?

He lifted an eyebrow in what she could only interpret as a "go-on" motion.

"Okay." She let her hand slide down his chin and rest comfortably against his chest. It gave her something to look at that wasn't his intense eyes. "Okay, first things first. You were right."

Words were not easy, not when Emmeline was feeling so vulnerable. "Is that all?" Sirius asked.

She glared up at him and pinched his chest. "I told you to shut up. I'll let you know when I'm done."

He nodded, his eyes wandering across her while she thought and tried to ignore his meandering gaze. "You were right. About it being now or never. We're in a war and… and that should really be the end of what I want to say.

"I guess… I guess the beginning is that I lied to you. When you asked me who I'd lost at the start of the war. I did lose someone, someone I really cared about… just not to death. And it scared me. And, you know, when you lose one thing, you realise how easily you could lose other things, especially things you care about even more than… than that first thing.

"And then you were there and… well, when someone tells you your different and you believe them and then they leave, it makes it hard to believe it again. I mean, it was _you_ … And back then, I believed we would survive the war. I'm an Auror, I'm a trained survivor. I thought I would be fine, and I could protect those that needed it. But it turns out I can't even protect myself. I… I almost died earlier today."

Sirius's arms tightened around her, his hands gliding across her back and taking hold of the creases in her jacket. Emmeline's breathing shallowed as she prepared for their mouths to meet, but Sirius kept himself just far enough away. "Is there more?"

She blinked to clear her head. "Yes. I think. I, uh, I had one more point… I almost died, and… it got me thinking that maybe we won't live through this and what that would mean. If it means anything. And what if we do? What does it matter? Does it matter? I… I loved you. I think I still love you. And I think I'm equally terrified of you leaving me as I am of you staying. I'm scared of dying and not being with you as much as I'm scared of living through this and having to deal with a real… relationship. Of having a second chance at that sort of thing."

Her chest rose and fell in quick pants as Emmeline caught her breath. She couldn't have been more grateful for Sirius not looking at all bored after all that. "So, in conclusion," she said with a smile, "the point is that you were more right than I gave you credit for two and a half years ago. There's something here, and I don't know what that something is but… but I think we should… should…" After the river of words, her brain seemed empty of expressing anymore. All she could think about were his fingers pressed against her back and the tip of his nose almost brushing hers and his warm breath grazing her lips.

Then they were kissing, just as unexpectedly as the first time. She pressed herself close, enjoying the roughness of his ungroomed bristles against her face. It only lasted a moment before he pulled back. "Are you—"

"Yes, I'm done." She pulled his face back down to hers like an addict tasting their favourite drug after years of sobriety. How had she let him walk away all those years ago?

She'd done a quick scan of the upstairs when she first walked up and stepped back where she knew Sirius' bed stood, but she was met with unexpected resistance. She tugged harder on his t-shirt, but he would not move. Was he really going to be bed shy? Maybe he didn't want to go back to their series of one-night stands that had started this whole thing. Well, if that was the case, he'd have to get over it. Emmeline was still riding high on the adrenaline of her near-death experience and would not waste it.

"Em," Sirius groaned as he pulled away. He looked between her and the bed behind her while shaking his head. "I already regret this," he muttered, "but I can't stay."

"Of course you can," she said, gripping tighter to his thin shirt. "You're already home."

"Doesn't feel much like a home. Dumbledore's got me as trapped as James and Lily." He cleared his throat, getting rid of the rough tone of voice as Emmeline's hold slackened. Most everyone in the Order knew Sirius had become the Potter's Secret Keeper—the literal key to the door that would end the war and which way the door would swing, whether in their favour or the Death Eaters's—but Emmeline had never thought about what that meant for Sirius. Being cooped up in a one-room flat seemed like a sure way to frazzle Sirius' nerves.

He turned to look over his shoulder at the mirror again, breathing out a sorrowful sigh when he saw it still empty. "Who were you expecting?" Emmeline asked.

"I… uh…"

"If you aren't allowed to tell me, just say so." She crossed her arms and took a step back, readying for when he left. The urgency and need in the aftermath of nearly dying had faded into a strong want to curl up in bed and sleep for days. She'd have to deal with her rash decision of confessing her feelings for Sirius tomorrow. "Whatever it is, you should go."

He nodded, still seeming to be lost in his thoughts. Then he stepped forward and kissed her soundly. "Stay," he said against her mouth. "If it's nothing, I'll be right back."

"Okay."

With renewed speed, Sirius stuffed his feet into a pair of muddy boots and threw on his leather jacket while Emmeline struggled to process his words. He'd already reached the latched door in the floor, reaching down to release the hook when Emmeline said, "And if it isn't nothing?"

His bent back stiffened, and the staircase seemed to crash down with more force than before, crunching and banging as it unravelled. Sirius straightened and turned back to her, his grey eyes darkened into depthless, mournful wells. "Then I hope you can forgive me."

~oOo~

 _konstantine_

 _(n.)_

 _a person who is a constant in one's life, affecting everything, even when they aren't there_

~oOo~

No matter how much she tried to prevent the inevitable, history had repeated itself.

The image of Sirius Black now resided next to the pale, square face of Fredrick Avery. As far as she was concerned, they were one in the same. Sirius' redeeming feature being that he had not left her with a busted lip when she had chosen the Order over him, and Fredrick's redeeming quality was that, even young and scared and sleeping on her sister's sofa, she had never felt like this.

It all had happened so fast. One moment, she was waking up in Sirius' bed to the sound of cheers and the crack of fireworks, and the next, she was walking along the pavement beside Charring Cross Road, gutted and hollow. She heard Sirius' last words repeating in a constant echo: "Then I hope you can forgive me."

How could he have ever thought she could forgive him for this? At least with Fredrick, she knew where his loyalties lied. He never pretended to be somebody he wasn't. Emmeline had done all the imagining on her own. But Sirius… loyal and brave Sirius? Who had vowed to keep a secret that would hide away his best friend and godson? Who devoted his life to the Order? How could he have turned towards Voldemort?

It didn't make sense.

Her shoes echoed on the hardwood as she walked in a daze across the foray. It had been years since her older sister moved out, but Emmeline still felt like a trespasser. This little house in the heart of London would always be Lydia's no matter what the deed said.

Another bang of firecrackers sounded from outside, shaking the house. Emmeline figured she'd soon be called into work to aid the Obliviators. The last thing she felt like doing was to leave the house again. She remembered this lethargy from when Fredrick left; the weight on her shoulders, like her sadness had taken on a physical form and hang on her back. It had only grown in size since she carried it last.

"Emmeline?"

She jumped at the voice as she stepped into the kitchen, her back hitting the door frame and sending an aching jolt up her spine. If she were in any real danger, she would have been dead by now. She hadn't even reached for her wand.

But there he was. Fredrick Avery leant against the counter, his black robes hanging around his thin frame. She remembered how he used to be: his thick muscled frame and handsome square jaw. Now he looked skeletal. She knew her high cheekbones matched, casting shadows where they hadn't been before. They were both hollow.

"How did you get in here?" she asked, her fingers on the handle of her wand even though it was a bit late for that.

Frederick stood straight, a dignified aura descending on his perfect, aristocrat posture. "I'm a Death Eater. We have our ways." His voice seemed to struggle to tint his words with some of his old humour, the sarcastic comments he pulled off so well, but his tone came out thin and monotonous.

Emmeline took a few steps into the room, circling around Fredrick and always keeping an eye on him and her back to the wall. "So what do you want?"

"I was hoping you would ask." He reached into his sleeve, and Emmeline slid her wand from her pocket. Her tight grip loosened on the handle when she saw the red poppy in his hand. He looked at her with a questioning look, waiting for her slight nod before walking forward and holding it out to her. "You won," he said. "Congratulations."

She stared at the flower, her eyes lost in its ink black centre. At the height of their relationship, right after she had graduated Hogwarts, poppies like these were their peace treaty. The flower of healing meant to heal their relationship. It was the type of symbolic, thoughtful romance that Fredrick excelled at.

Her finger touched the stem, unsure of what taking the flower would mean. "Is that all?"

"You had the intuition to pick the winning side," he said, letting the poppy slide out of his hand and gently fall into hers. "I wish I could say the same."

Emmeline shook her head, gathering the nerve to take her gaze away from the flower and glare at him. "I never tried to pick the winning side. I chose the right side, that's all."

His dark eyes didn't stop staring down at her, didn't even blink, until she looked away first. "So is that all then? You'll be going into hiding now, I suppose?"

"What other options do I have?"

She knew what the real question was, what the poppy really meant. It would not be easy, but she could save him. He was asking her to save him. She could vouch for him, say he'd been Imperiused. They would believe her. Why would a member of the Order of the Phoenix lie to save a known Death Eater? If not for the last day, she might have, but she had given Sirius her whole entire heart, even the pieces she thought still belonged to Fredrick. There was nothing left for her to give.

Emmeline pressed the flower back into his chest. "You're right."

A moment passed in which she was sure he would argue or beg or simply refuse to take hold of the poppy, but then his pale hand reached up and covered her own, his cold skin feeling unfamiliar to her now. She slid her hand from beneath his palm, her eyes once again staring at nothing but those crimson petals.

Then Fredrick stepped back and walked out, leaving her with only the sound of creaking floorboards and the click of the closing door.

It took several minutes for her to move again, a part of her wondering if she'd finally gone completely mad and imagined the whole thing, but when she walked past the hall, she saw a glint of red on the floor. Laying in front of the door, it's black centre staring at her, was the poppy.

Maybe she knew what it meant at that moment, but she convinced herself she didn't. How could she? But when the _Prophet_ arrived the next day, a twinge of guilt tugged against her chest.

Like the day before, Sirius' enraged face stared back at her with headlines announcing his life sentence to Azkaban, but there in the corner was Fredrick. His body had been found the night before. Circumstances of his death were still not yet determined.

She stared at the front page for hours, one tiny box reporting a Death Eater's death and a portrait-sized picture of the man who she had last love. They took up the same amount space in her heart.


End file.
